


H. Missing Scenes

by Panlock



Series: H. Universe [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Introspection, Mild Gore, Past Child Abuse, Regret, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panlock/pseuds/Panlock
Summary: A collection of scenes that take place over the years within the H. Universe. I recommend you read H. before you read this piece but H. is an *Explicit fic.Kakashi looks down at the water running between his ankles and feels sick. He hadn’t noticed how his hate picked at Naruto, made him feel small and scared. Kakashi wonders if Minato ever had a moment of clarity like this, if he understood how he was hurting Kakashi. If he did, it didn’t stop him.
Series: H. Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096676
Comments: 16
Kudos: 45





	H. Missing Scenes

**Author's Note:**

> SO I'm working on an H. Series. I may end up changing the name of the series but I feel like most of the people who read H. remember the cryptic title so for now "H. Universe" will do. 
> 
> All of the chapters in this work will be stand alone scenes. So far I have three time periods I want to write about.  
> Chapter one (this chapter): Takes place directly after the first VotE fight; in the context of H. it takes place in the middle of the first chapter  
> Chapter two: Takes place during Kakashi's childhood, around age seven  
> Chapter three: Takes place after Naruto confronts Kakashi and leaves the village for a few months, but before Naruto returns
> 
> I am working on a true sequel to H. that explores Kakashi and Naruto's relationship but I will not upload that until I finish A Family Arrangement. I can't keep up two long series at the same time

An effigy so wondrous to behold  
A statement so profound  
A place to bury everything I did  
And burn it to the ground  
The fire illuminates the final scene  
The past repeats itself  
I cannot tell the difference anymore  
I cannot trust myself

XiiiX

Kakashi walks into the river like he has countless times before. The water reaches his ankles and wets the bottom of his pant legs but he doesn’t care. The chill is refreshing and there’s no one to see him plodding through the stream. He’s never once encountered another person any of the times he’s ventured out here to cast his line. This is where Sakumo taught him how to fish over twenty years ago and they came here often. Later, after his father’s death, Kakashi kept up the tradition. Fishing was peaceful and an easy way for the young orphan to feed himself. Even now, as a grown man with more money than he knows what to do with, Kakashi still occasionally prefers to fish for his meal. 

Returning here, where he once laughed and felt safe, always made Kakashi think of a happier time. It reminds him of being too small to bait his hook without laying the pole down; it reminds him of his father, who was always kind; it reminds him of a world that made sense, before Minato. Some might have thought the habit was melancholy of him but Kakashi comes here when he doesn’t belong anywhere else. He feels good in the water, looking downstream, because Minato never found him here. 

Today, though, Kakashi didn’t even bother to bring a fishing pole. He’s just standing in the middle of the stream, still in his sandals, and the hot sun is directly overhead. The safe memory of his early childhood eludes him as he scans the river’s current. He can’t see anything beyond the full, green trees and the whimsical riverbend but, he knows, several kilometers downstream the river becomes deeper and faster. The rapid current has carved out a ravine with countless, nameless caves. It’s outside Konoha’s borders and the water would prevent others from tracking him.

The summer heat makes Kakashi restless as he contemplates it. He’s had the graveyard picked out for years and this is not the first time he’s thought about running toward it. He thought about it when he was thirteen and the idea of answering Minato’s Anbu summons made his insides rot. Kakashi thought about it a year later when Minato died, leaving him broken and alone. He thinks about it now because it feels like Minato is back from the dead. 

In the past, the idea thrilled him. It felt like escape, like a way out and a way back to Sakumo. While standing at their fishing spot, death felt reassuring. He always knew wherever his father ended up, that’s also where his soul would go. Today, there is no thrill inside him. Kakashi has no hope that he will meet his father after his death. Instead, he's sure he will have to face Minato. 

Three days ago, Kakashi scooped Naruto's body out of a shallow pool of blood and water, no deeper than the stream he stands in now. The mission to retrieve Sasuke was a failure by all accounts and Naruto, who suffered the worst injuries, is still in the hospital. This morning Kakashi sat beside the boy's bed and his heart dropped at the sight. The twelve year old looks better than he had when Kakashi scraped him off the rocks but he still looks small. Skinny. Too young. 

Tsunade says he should make a full recovery, despite the odds. Kakashi has never seen anyone take a chidori and live. In fact, he would have said survival from a direct hit was impossible. When he found Naruto, bleeding with his chest crushed and gutted, he thought the boy was dead. It didn't even cross his mind that Naruto might have survived. Kakashi stood over his body, faintly aware that he should feel _something._ Naruto’s face was so pale because all his blood was on the outside. The whisker scars were bold across his lifeless skin and Kakashi’s indifferent, black heart stuttered. If it weren’t for those scars, Naruto would have looked exactly like his father. If it weren’t for those scars, Kakashi may have been much worse to him. Kakashi shoved _what might have been_ remorse down and told himself it didn’t matter anymore. He leaned over the body, prepared to seal Minato’s son in a scroll. 

Naruto's mouth opened with a weak, wet gasp. It scared the shit out of Kakashi but Naruto was so much more frightened. With fading strength and his dying breath the boy begged, _Please don't._

Kakashi felt the remorse fly back up his throat like bile. Naruto was dying. His chest wound was gaping. Kakashi could see his fucking ribs. Naruto should have been in so much pain that it's unthinkable he was even conscious _._ Naruto cried and lines of tears washed down his bloody face. The boy wasn't crying because he was in pain or in fear of death but because he was in Kakashi’s arms and knew it wasn’t safe. 

Kakashi has been thinking about that moment for the past three days. He terrorized a child. He scared Naruto more than dying. The thought continues as the unforgiving sun hangs from above and sweat crawls down his scalp. He can hear Naruto’s choked, stilted sobs in the burble from the river. He thinks about a thousand mistakes he's made and one night in Naruto's tent. 

Naruto never asked Kakashi what he was doing that night. He never asked why his sensei was watching him sleep. Kakashi told himself Naruto didn't understand— didn't know— what almost happened. In fact, the boy likely forgot about it. Maybe Naruto thought it was just a bad dream. After seeing the raw terror in his pale face, Kakashi knows Naruto didn't forget it. He knows Naruto understood more than he ever let on.

Today, standing by Naruto's bed, Kakashi wanted to make amends. The blond was still unconscious, for which Kakashi was grateful. He's not sure what he would have said, otherwise. He owes the child more than an apology but Kakashi is sure he's the last person Naruto wants to see at his bedside. He did apologize, though. With his head bowed Kakashi offered quiet, insufficient words. 

Naruto is a defenseless child, an orphan no one cares about. He’s got no parents and has to fish for his food in between paychecks. Instead of seeing himself, Kakashi saw a way to even the score. He became the same kind of monster that crept into his tent when everyone else was sleeping.

Kakashi looks down at the water running between his ankles and feels sick. His actions didn’t seem real before. He hadn’t noticed how his hate picked at Naruto, made him feel small and scared. Kakashi wonders if Minato ever had a moment of clarity like this, if Minato understood he was hurting Kakashi. If he did, it didn’t stop him. 

Nothing stopped Minato and now, even with the man dead, he’s still fucking with Kakashi. He might as well still be inside him. Kakashi’s neck and shoulders feel like they might catch fire under the summer heat. Sweat drips down his back. The scar from Minato’s teeth aches like the mark is new again. Kakashi feels possessed. 

This morning he swore over Naruto’s unconscious, recovering body that he would never hurt him again. Kakashi is going to keep that promise, even if it means crawling into a nameless cave and stabbing himself. If he can’t do what Minato failed to do, Kakashi would rather cut Obito’s eye out of his bleeding head and die where no one will find him. It doesn’t even matter if he won’t go where his father is, or if he ends up beside Minato in whatever afterlife exists for people like them. If he can’t protect Naruto from himself, he’ll end his miserable life.

Kakashi stays there until his legs feel like lead and the sun slides across the horizon. He stares down the river the entire time, knowing if he takes one step forward he will follow through. Like his father before him, he does not do this lightly. He stands like a man facing his execution, like he can feel the blade hovering above his burning neck. He waits for the desire to hurt Naruto like Minato hurt him to creep up. One half thought, one fleeting impulse, and he’d kill himself. 

The thoughts don't come but Kakashi returns to the river the next day, and the next. He hardly eats; he doesn’t sleep when he eventually takes himself home each night. He stands in the river under the harsh sunlight and examines himself until, on the fourth day, Naruto wakes up. 

Kakashi doesn’t visit him. Tsunade and Jiraiya have already decided that Naruto should leave Konoha and travel with the Toad Sage. Kakashi feels a knot unravel in his chest when Naruto leaves but he doesn’t forget the river. He doesn’t forget his promise, either.

XiiiX

I've got to let go  
I've got to get straight  
Why'd you have to make it so hard?  
Let me get away  
Got to let him go  
Find another way  
Why'd you have to make it so hard?  
Let me get away

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics are from Various Methods of Escape by Nine Inch Nails 
> 
> It's very short and bitter but I wanted to share how Kakashi came to experience his wake up call. After he saw how terrified Naruto is of him he realized what he was doing and it shook him to his core. He's not redeemed by any means but at this point he knows he needs to change. 
> 
> If you're following my other works (A Family Arrangement or Stamina) I will be updating both of those works tonight <3)


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